


I Remember You

by dinolaur



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Gen, implied past Bucky/Natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1698542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinolaur/pseuds/dinolaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another piece of the puzzle of Bucky's past falls into place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember You

He has been living with Steve for almost three months now. It’s been five since HYDRA was outted. He is starting to have more good days, more days where he can think of himself as Bucky and not feel empty nothingness, more days where he doesn’t have to take in long, deep breaths and remind himself that Steve is no longer a mission. Of course, the more he remembers from before the fall, the more he remembers of the time after it.

For every happy memory of playing ball in the street he remembers driving a knife into a man’s chest while his daughter looks on and sobs terrified. For every warm hug from his best friend, there is a needle driven into his arm as he lay strapped to a table. Warm apple pie, ice creeping up the tube. Skipping school to keep Steve company while he was sick, the mangled mess of his left arm being sawed off. Steve showing him his sketchbook for the first time, pulling a trigger and watching blood and brains explode against a white wall.

But for all he remembers, for all the nightmares, things are getting better. Sam is honest with him, tells him that he will carry this for his entire life, but he also stresses that none of it is Bucky’s fault. He just glares at Sam when he says it, and he tries hard to believe when Steve echoes him.

Bucky stays locked in the house until he goes over a week without trying to attack Steve. He hates himself when he gets over the relapse and thanks a God he doesn’t believe in anymore that Steve has the serum and is a match for him. They start off with late night walks, when there are far fewer people out and about. Eventually they work their way up to early morning jogs with Sam and even getting coffee and donuts from a little store across the street.

Steve sticks with him through it all. He stays right there through the nightmares and the rages and when Bucky can barely breathe around panic and tears. He tells Bucky stories, both from before the war and during it. He tells him about after he woke up from his long nap, about a team that barely managed to pull it all together. He listens when Bucky can muster up the effort to talk about what he remembers. He maintains a list of anything that triggers Bucky and completely changes some routines to keep episodes to a minimum. He reminds Bucky to learn how to take care of himself, to eat and shower and sleep.

They watch movies and television, listen to endless albums of music, and read every night. Bucky was active over the decades and kept up to date on technology, but he has no knowledge of pop culture. They work to fill in the gaps with help from Sam.

They try to keep to routines. It’s easiest on all three of them. And so while Sam cooks dinner, Steve and Bucky sit on the couch watching episodes of _Friends_. Bucky thinks it’s stupid—Steve elbows him in the ribs every single time he lets out a huff of an almost laugh—but Sam says it was very popular and thus something they need to have seen.

Chandler is yelling at the ducks about watching the Food Network when they hear a key slip into the lock. Bucky tenses and only Steve’s hand on his arm keeps him from jumping up and looking for a weapon he isn’t allowed to have. “It’s all right,” Steve says as a woman walks through the door.

“Hey, is that Nat,” Sam calls from the kitchen.

“Hello, boys,” the woman says, dropping her keys into the bowl by the door. She stays in the doorway, and despite the dark color she has dyed her hair, Bucky does recognize her from what Steve has taken to calling The Incident.

“How’s the assignment,” Steve asks.

“Finished,” she answers briefly, and Bucky stands up.

Steve echoes his movements immediately. “Buck,” he says in the low and gentle tone he uses when he needs to talk Bucky down from an episode. The woman’s posture doesn’t alter. She looks just as relaxed, but her eyes are sharply fixed on Bucky. “Buck, it’s ok,” Steve continues. “She’s a friend. She—“

Bucky slips out from Steve’s grasp on his shoulder and takes four long strides to stand in front of her. He remembers her from the fight on the bridge. He remembers watching her and Sam find Steve on the river bank and call in for a medical team. He remembers news coverage and mission orders.

He also remembers flashes of red hair in the moonlight.

They stare at each other for a long moment. Steve stands at his back, and Bucky can feel the nervous energy radiating off him. Sam pokes his head through the door and calmly asks, “Everything ok in here?”

No one answers. They are still staring at each other.

Finally, he moves. He lifts his hand, the right one, the one that still remembers the warmth of another person’s flesh. He touches her cheek and whispers, “Наталия.”

Her expression doesn’t particularly change, but still somehow becomes much softer. Her lips quirk up in tiny smile, barely there. “привет еще раз.”

Bucky feels his own lips mimic hers. Ever since The Incident, since going off the grid and saving Steve and trying to learn who he was, Bucky doesn’t smile. He has tried. He has stared in the mirror and tried to recreate the face of the man who stood beside Captain America in the museum exhibit. Physically, it looks the same, but it never feels right. It feels forced and unnatural.

(He has only smiled twice since coming to live with Steve and Sam. The first was catching Steve aggressively dancing in the kitchen while making pancakes and wearing a gingham apron. The other happened during a run when Steve tried to yell “On your left” at Sam but was cut off by Sam tripping him.)

But he sees her and remembers one good thing in decades of blood and death.

“So I feel like we’re missing out on something,” Sam says. Natalia’s smile becomes a bit more mischievous.

(He remembers that look. She always wore it before promising him she wouldn’t follow him out on missions.)

She never looks away from him, and he remembers those green eyes. Her hand comes up, encircles his wrist, her fingers lying lightly over his pulse point. She used to do that with his metal arm. She never shied away from it. She was never scared.

“Ты меня знаешь,” she says, and he can hear everything in her voice. Pride. Relief. Something like happiness.

“Сейчас,” he answers. She understands it for the apology that it is.

“Yeah, we’re definitely missing out on something,” Sam mutters.

Steve shakes his head and says, “You never said you knew him.”

“I didn’t know he was Bucky Barnes,” Natalia answers.

“You could have said after the bridge or after Maria got us out of HYDRA custody,” Steve argues. “These are things that I would like to know.”

Natalia just shrugs. “That wasn’t relevant then. It is now.”

“Still keeping secrets, Natalia,” Bucky asks, almost teasing, almost like they used to be, almost like what Steve desperately hopes he can regain.

“It’s what I do, James,” she answers, and it hits him right in the gut. He never had a name when she knew him. He was only the Winter Soldier. She had nothing to call him. But there is a name now. This is the first time she has ever had opportunity to call him one.

It feels good. Better than almost anything else.

“You still could have at least texted me,” Steve grumbles. 

**Author's Note:**

> I just used google translate for the Russian, so apologies if they are incorrect
> 
> 1: Natalia  
> 2: Hello again.  
> 3: You know me.  
> 4: Now.


End file.
